Be the Change: Whats goin on..

Click on the link above to go to the video..

I was inspired to write this it's a play on words a little softer way of embracing a difficult 
intimate story of a child who grows up too soon in at times an all too busy world.

A Child's Garden of the Soul 

by Mark M Estrada 

A child is born... a garden of the soul is created.. 

 I am learning that the wounds that a child occurs during the innocent years are the one's that are the deepest.   Emotional weeds you cannot seem to stop them from popping up. 

 Taking  the longest to heal to get rid of  if you  ever really do,you see it all depends on at  what age you become aware the wound or wounds  still exists.

 The seeds of hope trust and unconditional love planted in  the garden of every child should be nourished  and cared for by others until they grow older.

No child should have to attend to this garden out of fear-neglect-self preservation. 

The seeds cannot give the child a garden of the soul that's  strong stable healthy. 

The child's garden attracts  unhealthy  relationships and realities no matter how or what they may try that reflect  the past and  keep popping up . 

Weeds in their soul garden like a wound stealing away their sun.

For  those  seeds of trust love acceptance planted when a child is born that over the years  were  never allowed to be cared for or nurtured for their garden to thrive .

Those seeds at birth not given the gift of love acceptance and support = water sun fertilizer a garden cannot thrive  out of the soil's of a child's  innocence.  It simple doesn't have the nutrients yet for the soil to feed the heart of such a large garden. 

  The child becomes an adult spends years in a garden of  protective behaviors gardening alone or without proper tools or help  for what seems a lifetime.

Protecting  a garden now mostly overgrown emotional  weeds no longer a garden of their soul what do they  do. 

 You find yourself a place in your  own backyard and  plant yourself  a new garden ...you care for and nourish the seeds ...you stand in the sun and lovingly watch your garden grow. 


If anyone needs help to create a garden of their very own I have a feeling Gardens of the Soul 
will become one of my specialties in 2012. 


You need only provide the seeds you now know the ones your child has held  in your heart  ...

And you now live fully in the knowing of with every fiber of your being.


The seeds that will grow best in the divine garden of your soul. 

•  This young boy truly touched my heart tonight in ways he will never know. I so pray he has someone a caring adult who will just listen and not judge. A parent that won't try to silence his pain out of there own discomfort or guilt. Parents Friends Family protect the innocence of a child for as long as you can. There life depends on it.
  
  
  HERE ARE SOME OTHER COMMENTS MADE VIA Facebook last Sunday.
  

  
  

  • Deborah M We have nothing without the children......
    

    Sunday 
  • Dominik I felt so much compassion for this boy that i ended up getting angry that he's been treated so bad. i'm not gonna apologize for my anger or for my choice of words. i'm sick to fucking death of homophobia. i'm sick of brain dead, heart dead, soul dead people who treat other people bad just so they can feel better about themselves. there's no excuse anymore. it's pathetic. but this is what society and the media is teaching us, isn't it? we glorify villainy.
    

    Sunday 
  • Angie Vespa I couldn't agree with your anger more, Dominik.
    

    Sunday 
  • 
    

    Mark Peterson-Estrada Please if you want to really do something be willing to have challenging conversations with your friends~neighbors~family members when you hear them use remarks ,labels, or make jokes about those they see as different,weak or less than. If your an adult in an abusive relationship be it substance use,food,fists or the internet. If it keeps you from your child's needs as well as your own. TAKE THE STEPS TO GET OUT.
    

    Sunday at 8:48pm ·
  • Bill M I'm crying
    

    Sunday at 9:48pm 
  • 
    

    Mark Peterson-Estrada I don't think I've ever experienced a post that has touched so many of us so deeply.
    

    Sunday at 10:05pm ·
  • Dominikthanx for all your responses, folks. i cried too, cuz this is so heartbreaking. i'm also haunted by the times i think i was a bully.
    
    i've been practising thinking i'm not better than anyone else. i'm just working on being better than i used to be.
    a step further for me is working on not even feeling i'm better than the people who think they're better than me.
    
    my best wishes to all. namaste.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  Theresa Thanks Mark. I will now watch the video.
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  Theresa WTF is wrong with people! This kid is brave, but will probably take a long time to heal. I hope he has an adult in his life he can turn to, this was a disturbing video. watch with caution.
  

  
  
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  Forrest · 21 mutual friends

  Hey there is a follow up video from him...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7HkOaLFzGw&feature=player_embedded
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  Theresa  This video was enjoyable. If he faked it as people said, that he is just looking for attention. Then he probably needs it. Stay strong young man, your whole life is ahead of you and the adventures you will experience will ease your pain
• 
  

  Mark Peterson-Estrada Theresa we each have are own way of communicating the same things. I'm so very grateful for the lessons ,the willingness to learn and the compassion for myself and all on their journey to share my truth so others in hopes others will do the same. This was HUGE for me tonight. Thanks to this child and to all who shared. Faking it or not he needs to be loved and kept safe PERIOD.
  

  
  
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  Paul P there's so much attached to so many of those wounds. It's so hard to get out, but we're all finding that you can get out, Of the years of carrying the pain around and the years of believing the words over and over and over. It's so wonderful that at this age, kids are starting to speak out in stead of carrying it around for 35 or 40 years like I did. I'm praying for the freedom of the consciousness of this boy and for his liberation and attachment from old feelings and old inner dialogue/shadow that keeps him in pain. He'll find the Light. It's all he is.

Bullying stops with me.

Jamey's story....he choose to no longer take the risk in living...

He no longer has a voice but I do and from the day I watched the video about his life. 

Heard his Mothers words describing her sons compassion ~sensitive ways~ often at 14 years old going out of his way so that others would feel a part of.

Mostly with the elders in his community he knew what it felt like not to be invisible.

That is until someone just as invisible his own age but for different reasons.

Would seek him out and make him feel small..afraid less than... unlovable... 

I was Jamey when I was 14..15..16..17..and I only by the grace of god sit here to share my story.  

I will speak for Jamey as long as I have need to as we each have a choice.

All the years ago there are some of you on Facebook now that said and did some 

unkind things it was a long time ago we were kids.. 

Many of you had no point of reference to what my life was like and I'm not interested in revisiting the past with conversations .. 

Many of you have children and grandchildren share this blog with them. 

Talk about the difference's in the way someone talks~walks ~if they have parents

or if one  parent is dead and the other one is about to follow.  

That's no reason to single them out of being different might you have any idea what

it must feel like to wake up in their body just for a day. 

Change the way your communities regard others by the ways in which you live your 

own life...STARTING WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO TO SAY...

IT STOPS WITH ME....BULLYING STOPS WITH ME TODAY.. 

Mark Peterson-Estrada

I don't want to make anyone wrong for something that happened when we were kids. I understand the psychology of it all. It has to STOP with someone let's let it stop with us. I want adults to get together and talk about what occurred for them growing up. Go into the schools and save lives. Who wants to join me!

It's up to YOU and ME.

Which one did you choose based on your minds view of how you should 

be in the World.




The Bully~




The Bullied~




The Person who speaks up~

The Silent witness who looks away doing nothing not saying a word

yet speaking volumes to how you would be regarded or seen in the world.
Everyone mentioned above holding there own wounds,blessings and complexities trying to feel safe in the World.

I want to share with you a story that occurred my Junior year at San Leandro High.

Spirit week we were the  1976 class Junior Janitors I somehow ended up leading one of the cheers on the playing field at one of the games.

It's not a funny story no longer does it make me angry or  sad nor is it surrounded in shame ...anymore.

 My hope is to forever change how we treat ourselves each other and  are behaviors towards other's who don't walk~talk~believe~love - in the same ways we do.

Those seen as different when they  don't have the  same skin color,clothing or speak just like are friends and family.


Who just might be a little "too fabulous" or seem a little "too happy"  or a "little too understanding" causing too much attention making me feel different and out of place. 


Cant have that so often we avoid are own  feeling's by treating others in shameful,unkind ways so that we can avoid the complexities of are own 
insecurities,ego's and shame. 


  Cut off from are own emotions we can't possible know what are actions might inflect upon another.  Not ever considering what might be going on for them or what there lives were like before are path's crossed.

 

Somehow we grew up feeling unsafe,broken perhaps even unlovable in the ways are mind viewed  the events  actions and conversations that created 

the stories and messages  about ourselves and defined how we would relate to the world

Creating a way of being in relationship with a party of one believing 

others don't really want to know what we think or feel anyway

Making it easier to be unkind towards others feeling the same about ourselves for so long now numb to any feeling at all. 

Bully's have their own secrets to hide  keeping  a distance not  risking intimacy  or  possible  ridicule  come into their  world.

Making sure by treating others in the ways they feared for themselves if the conversations  with their mind and their childhood secrets ever got out.
 Bulling stops with me  my willingness to see  the world of other's though  the same compassionate eyes  in which I now see myself.


I share my experience so other's can do the same.
Yet it's a story that speaks to the psychology of  being human  I can wrap  my mind around most of our behaviors.

I ask you not to judge~label~or blame simply be willing to make the choice to live your life differently after ready this

 I'm on the playing field it's fun I feel like one of "the cool kids" beginning the chant I got nervous and got the wording all

jumbled.
This was a big deal as I had been 50-80 pounds overweight and invisible most of my childhood.

Dad was my food buddy making dieting difficult he died in 1973 and I lost close to 60lbs 

I never expected that suddenly the crowd from the bleacher seats would  starting throwing fruit and banana peels  at me and 

calling me names.  
I don't recall running off the field yet I can remember being out of breath and shaking when I got to the house 

where Patti Lyles lived trying to explain. 
What I remember most is I felt fat ugly stupid and foolish to think that I could ever be a "part of" vowing I would never let 

anyone know  or see me cry and I was never going back to school again.

I didn't want to tell my Mom  for she was then struggling with Cancer a battle she would lose not making it to see me graduate she passed in 

January her body giving out before making it to June. 

She made me go to school that next day saying Honey don't give-em the satisfaction that they got to ya. Walk in with your

head up and don't look anybody in the eye if their nice to you.. 

 DON'T YOU DARE CRY.
Words I could not get out of my head the day of her services my friend Debbie played the piano and Sue sang  Let it Be... I remember feeling like I did on the playing field some 8 months before

as I sat in the crowded church feeling invisible and completely alone. 
I forced myself to remember what it felt like when the fruit hit me and I just sat there numb saying

don't you let anybody see you cry..

It doesn't matter your going be fine.  It doesn't matter you don't need them anyway.
And I asked God why didn't you take me instead of her it really would be better that way don't you know. 
 I learned at a young age how to bury my feelings

and would recreate that night on the playing field many times when I needed strength yet was just moments away from falling apart.


I now live a life that I LOVE!

 I was one of the lucky one's with a very resilient suborn  inner child.

 I write this for the boys like Jamey who sadly see no way out other than to  take there life at 14 years old a child in an adult world.
None of us can change the past and I'm not sorry it happened for me as  it's been a huge gift on my journey of Turning Lemons into Light.
I stopped looking for lemons in my bed years ago and I did learn to  make a kick-ass lemonade for all the years dealing with life them damn lemons.
I'll gladly share my secret recipe as there's no longer the need to be challenged in the same ways today  just because that's the way things started out.
As the lemons today  you see have been turned into LIGHT!!

Lady Gaga - Hair (A Jamey Rodemeyer Tribute)

Junior Janitors class of 1977

I want to share with you a response to this blog story from a classmate whom I had mentioned. 


Patti's words took me back to a place I thought was far behind me. 


Hearing her description of a time in our  lives that seems like it was a lifetime ago.


It brought up some long forgotten memories as there really hasn't been a reason to hold on to a less than happy time in my life.


Yet it also speaks to what I believe with every  fiber of my being nothing  well almost nothing occurs simply by chance. 


Little did I realize my high school years would be giving voice to a 14 year old boy who quite possibly thought no one cared enough to listen to what he had to say when he was alive..


Again my request to you is that you not get to caught up in the events of the past
none of us can change what was. 


I hold no one responsible for something so long ago.  I do how ever ask you this.


WHAT ABOUT TODAY...


WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO SO ANOTHER CHILD SEE'S NO WAY OUT BUT TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE.


WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO CHANGE .


WE ARE THE HEALER'S THE WORLDS BEEN WAITING FOR ...


SIMPLY IN THE WAYS WE CHOOSE TO LIVE OUR LIVES EACH DAY.


IN THE PRESENT MOMENT ...PRESENT BREATH...
Here's Patti's response to my blog story.. 

Patti Lyles

• I remember you being harassed but do not remember the fruit throwing event but I recall once how you wept so one day and how you shared and revealed your inner pain and the torment you were experiencing.
  
  I think I remember Debbie and I would even walk you home a few times because you were harassed. It was only a block or two but we would go in and hang out and we’d talk to your mother. She wore a turban because her hair was falling out. That is unforgettable because that was my first time seeing someone so fragile and suffering from cancer. Hey maybe I was there when she told you not to cry. I sorta recall that conversation happening.
  
  What is of value to me today is ---Those years in high school I fell for the person you are and your button nose and that cool haircut which Justine Bieber stole from you 30 year later….
  
  
  My words to in response...
  Mark Peterson-Estrada

  • Patti, Thanks so much for your words and descriptions of a time in my life that had such significance.More than I realized. Honestly those days are as foggy today as they were all those years ago. Yet I don't look back wishing for a different experience nothing happens by chance. Having friends like you and Debbie meant a lot back then and would give my life such purpose today. Who knew that the willingness of people like you and Debbie to take the time all those years ago. Is in large part why I do the work I do today . I'm often told I get too involved in the lives of others. I smile to myself for I know first hand the importance of being willing to be a soul friend to another and I choose to get involved. I would love to get together with you one of these day. Hope your doing well Patti.
    Love~Light~Heartsmiles, Mark
    
    
    Your comments are always welcome. 
    What I would like to hear most is how your going to embrace your life differently.. 
    The past can be a useful tool for living in the present so long as you stay clear of the labels.. 
    It's just information so that you might make a different choice based on the lives and choices that can never be changed. 
    I will tell you what I have done though is I have changed the relationship I have with those events so long ago.
    
    
    And I think my Mom would be surprised to see that I have learned some 
    different ways to process complicated events and emotions from my past. 
    
    
    I have yet to master that skill where my siblings and family are concerned.  I can be just as wounding and unkind as  the words and actions of others have been in my past. 
    
    
    For there are a few fragile places that haven't healed over the years that honestly may never completely go away..
    
    
    No one means to cause me  injury I know yet if I don't pay attention old voices from the past get the better of me.
    
    
    I speak out with a voice that I didn't have back then that is  often reactive  and defensive words meant for actions based on events  from the past .
    
    
    Spoken in the present that do no one any good and each time it occurs 
    I get to learn how to respond differently the next time. 
    
    
    The gift of information and choice that creates the gift of change sometimes quickly and sometimes not..
    What's important is that the change keeps occurring with each breath 
    heartbeat and step along this journey called LIFE. 
    
    

COMPASSION

The pure and sweet soul man
Mahatma Gandhi commonly said,

"I am a Hindu and a Moslem,
a Christian and a Buddhist.”
In his ashram at daily prayers,
Gandhi prayed to all faiths one being 
no less or more important than the other
ONE = all faiths.

We too would benefit greatly from his lesson
in tolerance and participation. 
Truly the essence of faith 
 is compassion.


ONE.
I am a human being,
living here, in this time, in this
space, a citizen of the world;
an integral and engaged member
of this Earth Global Village.


ONE
I am a Hindu and a Moslem,
a Christian and a Buddhist,
a Pagan and a Jew.

I am, I am.
who walks in compassion,
For I am the one without shoes


I am that I am
a heart holding a genuine love,
for I am the one who is Gay.


I am that I am
with authentic integrity
for I am the one who is Tranny.


I am that I am 
standing  freedom for justice.
for I am the one who has no citizenship



I am that I am 
for peace and for honesty.
for I am the one who is blind.

Wherever there is humility~empathy
 an open  heart,
I am,  ONE 
I am one soul.

Wherever there is kindness
an open hand to both  friends and 
strangers I am One 

I am of one body~one mind~one heart
of flesh and life-giving energy.

I am food and I am water.
I am air and I am light.
I am many and I am only one.

One in unity respect together
is the phenomenal power
of cosmic unity.
.
Where a voice is necessary,
I shall choose word's that  speak in 
ways that don't dis empower  or exclude.

Where an ear is called for,
I shall be the listener  of heartfelt concern.
Willing to really hear without judging the actions
nor create separation  making them less than
with negative  labels.

Where eyes are required
I shall look seeing  others as I would myself.
There is no path for those of faith 
more worthy than the way
of  compassion.

I am a child
in the family of living spirit
and in the congregation
of life and  universal souls.

Like the genuine
Mahatma,
I would open my hands
and my little self,
releasing the 
worm of violence
and welcoming the butterfly
of peace. .

Here, between my tears
I stand with my smile
I offer my prayer:

 I stand here 
mother earth with  humility and courage,
asking forgiveness.. for what my actions have caused.


 I understand and transcend the
 misconceptions  deceptions
 the betrayal created in old beliefs and false truths.
Treating others as less than no I am  that I am
Living life in the past I PRAY for forgiveness for the man  that I was.

from HEALING, A Book of Poetry by David Sparenberg