JUNIOR JANITOR'S

It's up to YOU and ME.

Which one did you choose based on your minds view of how you should 

be in the World.

The Bully~

The Bullied~

The Person who speaks up~

The Silent witness who looks away doing nothing not saying a word

yet speaking volumes to how you would be regarded or seen in the world.

Everyone mentioned above holding there own wounds,blessings and complexities trying to feel safe in the World.

I want to share with you a story that occurred my Junior year at San Leandro High.

Spirit week we were the  1976 class Junior Janitors I somehow ended up leading one of the cheers on the playing field at one of the games.

It's not a funny story no longer does it make me angry or  sad nor is it surrounded in shame ...anymore.

 My hope is to forever change how we treat ourselves each other and  are behaviors towards other's who don't walk~talk~believe~love - in the same ways we do.

Those seen as different when they  don't have the  same skin color,clothing or speak just like are friends and family.


Who just might be a little "too fabulous" or seem a little "too happy"  or a "little too understanding" causing too much attention making me feel different and out of place. 


Cant have that so often we avoid are own  feeling's by treating others in shameful,unkind ways so that we can avoid the complexities of are own 
insecurities,ego's and shame. 


  Cut off from are own emotions we can't possible know what are actions might inflect upon another.  Not ever considering what might be going on for them or what there lives were like before are path's crossed.

 

Somehow we grew up feeling unsafe,broken perhaps even unlovable in the ways are mind viewed  the events  actions and conversations that created 

the stories and messages  about ourselves and defined how we would relate to the world. 

  

Creating a way of being in relationship with a party of one believing 

others don't really want to know what we think or feel anyway.

Making it easier to be unkind towards others feeling the same about ourselves for so long now numb to any feeling at all. 

Bully's have their own secrets to hide  keeping  a distance not  risking intimacy  or  possible  ridicule  come into their  world.

Making sure by treating others in the ways they feared for themselves if the conversations  with their mind and their childhood secrets ever got out.

 Bulling stops with me  my willingness to see  the world of other's though  the same compassionate eyes  in which I now see myself.

I share my experience so other's can do the same.

Yet it's a story that speaks to the psychology of  being human  I can wrap  my mind around most of our behaviors.

I ask you not to judge~label~or blame simply be willing to make the choice to live your life differently after ready this.

 I'm on the playing field it's fun I feel like one of "the cool kids" beginning the chant I got nervous and got the wording all

jumbled..

 

This was a big deal as I had been 50-80 pounds overweight and invisible most of my childhood.

Dad was my food buddy making dieting difficult he died in 1973 and I lost close to 60lbs 

 

I never expected that suddenly the crowd from the bleacher seats would  starting throwing fruit and banana peels  at me and 

calling me names.  

I don't recall running off the field yet I can remember being out of breath and shaking when I got to the house 

where Patti Lyles lived trying to explain. 

What I remember most is I felt fat ugly stupid and foolish to think that I could ever be a "part of" vowing I would never let 

anyone know  or see me cry and I was never going back to school again.

 

I didn't want to tell my Mom  for she was then struggling with Cancer a battle she would lose not making it to see me graduate she passed in 

January her body giving out before making it to June. 

 

She made me go to school that next day saying Honey don't give-em the satisfaction that they got to ya. Walk in with your

head up and don't look anybody in the eye if their nice to you.. 

 DON'T YOU DARE CRY.

 

Words I could not get out of my head the day of her services my friend Debbie played the piano and Sue sang  Let it Be... I remember feeling like I did on the playing field some 8 months before

as I sat in the crowded church feeling invisible and completely alone. 

I forced myself to remember what it felt like when the fruit hit me and I just sat there numb saying

don't you let anybody see you cry..

It doesn't matter your going be fine.  It doesn't matter you don't need them anyway.

And I asked God why didn't you take me instead of her it really would be better that way don't you know. 

 

 I learned at a young age how to bury my feelings

and would recreate that night on the playing field many times when I needed strength yet was just moments away from falling apart.

 

I now live a life that I LOVE!!

 I was one of the lucky one's with a very resilient suborn  inner child.

 I write this for the boys like Jamey who sadly see no way out other than to  take there life at 14 years old a child in an adult world.

 

None of us can change the past and I'm not sorry it happened for me as  it's been a huge gift on my journey of Turning Lemons into Light.

I stopped looking for lemons in my bed years ago and I did learn to  make a kick-ass lemonade for all the years dealing with life them damn lemons. 

I'll gladly share my secret recipe as there's no longer the need 

to be challenged in the same ways today  just because that's the way things started out.

As the lemons today  you see have been turned into LIGHT!!